hi ruby. i wonder if you're reading this immediately, or if you went through the rest of the site before. i think it would be ideal to read this after experiencing the rest of the site though so i'd lightly recommend that but you can do what you want. i love you, and i'm in love with you - i know that for sure. going through the effort of making this website, especially the timeline, made me have to revisit our messages, revisit my memories, revisit my feelings and thoughts. and honestly, going through the past and how we were was nostalgic, but more importantly it's made me realize behaviors and changes within me during the relationship. i'd like to dedicate this section to talking abt my introspection, in hopes that by reading thru it you'll understand me more and it can be something to consider as you navigate your own feelings and thoughts. there is a lot of text, but there is no expectation to read this all at once or respond. please take whatever time you need, theres no obligation to read it either.

the reflection

i think what i want to begin with is, a big issue of mine throughout this relationship is, i believe "communicating your feelings to your partner is always good to do". that isn't fully wrong, communication matters in a relationship, but the problem is i thought it's ALWAYS "good" to do, without considering how or when i was communicating. i would not process/realize how things i express can impact you/make you feel until told. because in my mind i knew i had good intentions when saying things, and my intention isnt to hurt you, so i'd assume my words & phrasing wouldn't hurt you. i assumed you would perceive what i say in a harmless way. that assumption has been the root of my issue,

in reality some of the things i would communicate were at an improper time, or said in a way that still carried negative weight. there are multiple examples of this i've recognized. because we were in the honeymoon phase, i dont think either of us fully registered how fucked those moments were. and because i didn't realize i was hurting you, i never had reason to do deeper reflection until you told me recently. i got so comfortable expressing my feelings cuz i believed doing so made me a good partner, so i never stopped to think how i may be affecting you, i thought i was creating a stronger connection. even tho we talked about wanting to always be open with each other, i think the truth is i unknowingly created a space that is emotionally unsafe for you. one where i can express my feelings freely, but you feel like you can't, because i would even respond to your feelings with my own instead of simply letting you express them.

the most pressing thing on my mind is the time you told me about the sam SA. this is truly where this problem of mine showed up in the worst way. i have re-read the whole conversation, and it's so clear how deeply messed up my responses were. theres no excuse for making you feel at fault, for shifting focus to how i felt uncomfortable that he "asked for a kiss", i made you feel like i thought you "let him" do things, i failed you and i didn't even realize it. regardless of my intentions and phrasing, i made you feel blamed during a critical moment and i seriously hurt you. i'm deeply sorry for the pain and confusion i caused you with how i responded when i should've been 100% supporting you.

after that situation, we talked abt how i made you feel, and i apologized once i realized the things i said were messed up & made you feel hurt, but i didnt fully understand the *impact* of what i did until you told me how you chose not to tell me about the recent sam SA. i had assumed things were good, that if i did hurt you i'd be told, or it'd be mentioned whenever i ask if theres any issues w/ us. but a truth i have to face is that i'm not as self-aware as i thought. there are some things like SA and shifting focus from the victim to myself that shouldn't take being told to understand that's fucked up, it's basic empathy to know that yet i failed that in the moment. i was so blinded by the idea that prefacing my messages & being clear that my intentions arent to hurt/blame you that it didnt cross my mind that what i was doing was actually lacking in empathy and would deeply hurt you.

i was fixated on trying to be a good bf, thinking that just cuz i'm not doing the typical "bad" things, and cause im communicating my feelings a lot, that i wasn't hurting you. i've been so focused on my intentions that i never thought about the actual impact of my behavior. i've accepted that my actions have given you reason to feel emotionally unsafe with me, that i've impacted you in ways that apologies cant repair, that things may not ever reach the same level of comfort again, how i handled the SA situation is inexcusable, and maybe at the time you didn't process how it truly made you feel and thats why things between us were okay, but it makes sense for you to process it later and for you to not feel okay about it anymore and not feel okay about me. its not only the SA situation where my communication caused harm without me realizing, theres the moments you went to the bar with lilly & your bro, the maggi hangout, and even the recent situation. if you decide you don't want to continue this relationship, i understand that and i'm not trying to convince you otherwise.

the current

next i want to talk a bit about how i feel about relationship currently. there is less interaction, less romance, less sharing of random things, lesss connection in general and a bunch of small things we used to regularly do have stopped and it's affecting me. i've assumed some of this is because of how rough shit has been for you mentally, but i can't ignore how my past actions have affected you. i've been afraid that this distance and change in things is intentional because of what i did. i'm not sharing this to get an explanation, i just want to share how im feeling because i know i have been acting differently too. i'm afraid of losing you, and its understandable to break up with me over the ways i failed you. with me feeling like that, and the changes in things between us, my defense mechanism of withdrawing comes up and i also get distant. i also know that things are even worse for you mentally and you have to focus sm to surviving. because of that i feel like i can't talk to you abt any of this so i dont add extra stress on you. all of that has caused me to choose to be quiet and not address anything or speak up on my feelings. i love you a lot but im afraid of hurting you, myself, or making things worse, so i chose avoidance instead of communication. however, this is a convo to have between us, not on the website. theres no expectation for you to address this either - i just wanted to share.

but, going back to the past with this website has reminded me of the gentleness and consideration i want to show you, working on the site feels like a breath of fresh air, i think what im trying to say is, by going back, it's given me a clearer mind of how i want to be viewing and framing things in this relationship, that i need to let go of old thoughts, toxic mindsets, and how i have got to truly work on my issues. i understand relationships have their bumps and can be difficult, but i don't want this to be something that drains you and i. i know change takes time, and that things may not be the same but i want to keep choosing to be better for both of our sake.

but one thing i want to make clear; i didn't make this website to convince you about things between us, i made this website because i wanted to. i wanted to create something with creativity, love, and conisderation and i hope that shows in every little thing across the site. if you've got this far, thank you, i love you so much, thank you for being so strong and still hanging in there today, you are so indescribably strong and deserve true peace.